When "Good Enough" Never Feels Good Enough: Understanding Perfectionism and Finding Relief
You check your email three times before hitting send. You stay late at work redoing something that was already complete. You cancel plans because the house isn't clean enough for guests. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone—and what you're experiencing might be more than just "high standards."
What Is Extreme Perfectionism a Symptom Of?
When perfectionism starts interfering with your daily life, it's often signaling something deeper. Many people wonder, "Is perfectionism a mental illness?" While perfectionism itself isn't classified as a standalone disorder, extreme perfectionism can be a symptom of several underlying conditions.
Perfectionism frequently appears alongside anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), depression, and eating disorders. When perfectionism shows up as rigid rule-following, preoccupation with minor details, or an inability to complete tasks because nothing feels "perfect enough," it may indicate OCPD—a condition where the pursuit of perfection actually prevents task completion.
What Trauma Causes Perfectionism?
Here's something most people don't realize: perfectionism often develops as a survival strategy. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes led to criticism, rejection, or emotional withdrawal, your brain learned that being "perfect" kept you safe.
Trauma-related perfectionism can stem from:
Growing up with highly critical or demanding caregivers
Experiencing emotional neglect where achievement was the only way to receive attention
Childhood experiences where love felt conditional on performance
Environments where mistakes led to shame or punishment
Your perfectionism isn't a character flaw—it's your nervous system's attempt to protect you from perceived threats. Understanding this origin story is the first step toward healing.
The Three Types of Perfectionism You Need to Know
Research identifies three distinct perfectionism patterns, and recognizing yours can be transformative:
Self-Oriented Perfectionism: You set impossibly high standards for yourself and beat yourself up when you fall short. You might think, "If I'm not the best, I've failed."
Other-Oriented Perfectionism: You hold others to unrealistic standards and feel frustrated or disappointed when they don't meet your expectations.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: You believe others expect perfection from you, even when they don't. This often feels like constant pressure to prove your worth.
Most people experience a combination of these patterns. The key is understanding which drives your behavior so you can address it effectively.
How to Get Rid of Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Approaches
Let's be clear: the goal isn't to stop caring about quality or become careless. It's about finding that sweet spot where you can pursue excellence without it destroying your mental health, relationships, or ability to actually finish things.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Perfectionism
CBT is one of the most effective therapies for perfectionism because it targets the thought patterns keeping you stuck. In therapy, you'll learn to:
Identify cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking ("If it's not perfect, it's garbage")
Challenge beliefs about what mistakes really mean
Practice behavioral experiments to test your perfectionist predictions
Develop more flexible standards that allow for human imperfection
One powerful CBT tool is the Dysfunctional Thought Record, where you track situations that trigger perfectionism, identify the automatic thoughts, and generate alternative perspectives. Over time, this rewires the neural pathways that maintain perfectionist thinking.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT approaches perfectionism differently—instead of fighting the thoughts, you learn to change your relationship with them. You'll practice accepting imperfection as part of the human experience while committing to actions aligned with your values rather than your fears.
Exposure Therapy: Facing Your Fear of Imperfection
This might sound intimidating, but exposure therapy for perfectionism involves gradually doing things "imperfectly" on purpose. Send that email with a minor typo. Submit the project at 85% instead of obsessing to 100%. Leave the dishes in the sink overnight.
Each small exposure teaches your nervous system that imperfection isn't catastrophic—and that's where real freedom begins.
The Bottom Line
Perfectionism isn't about wanting to do well—it's about believing that your worth depends on being flawless. It's the exhausting voice that says nothing you do is ever enough. But here's the truth: you are enough, exactly as you are, mistakes and all.
If you're tired of the constant pressure, the procrastination driven by fear of imperfection, or the inability to celebrate your achievements because they don't meet impossible standards, there is another way. With the right support and evidence-based strategies, you can maintain your drive for excellence while developing the self-compassion and flexibility that makes life actually enjoyable.
Your perfectionism served a purpose once. Now it might be time to let it go.
About the Author: Brianna Paruolo is a licensed therapist specializing in perfectionism, anxiety, and high-achiever burnout. With expertise in CBT, ACT, and trauma-informed approaches, Brianna helps clients in NY, NJ, SC, FL, and MA develop healthier relationships with achievement and self-worth. On Par Therapy offers flexible virtual sessions that work for your busy schedule!
